Zombie Week! Guest Blog and Giveaway: One Buck Zombies (Anthology) Edited by Christopher Hawkins
The Zombie Apocalypse: Your Ticket to Wealth and Happiness!
Make no mistake, good reader; the zombie apocalypse is real, and it is coming. Anyone who tries to tell you different just wants to hog it all for themselves.
“But wait,” you say. “Hog it all for themselves!? I’ve seen the movies and the TV shows. I’ve read the books. The zombie apocalypse is the end of the world! It means nothing but terror and deprivation! A future where zombies hunt men and men hunt each other and there’s a distinct lack of toilet paper! Who could possibly look forward to such a future?” Well, I’ll tell ya who: anyone who wants in on the ground floor of the next financial revolution, that’s who!
That’s right, the zombie apocalypse is on the way, and it’s bringing with it the biggest economic boom since the dot-com rush! The survivors are going to find themselves in a brand new world of opportunity. If you’re smart enough, and quick enough, the rise of the undead could be your ticket to easy street.
First, let’s dispel some myths about just how difficult it will be to survive a zombie outbreak. The truth is: not really very difficult at all. If you can walk in a brisk, heel-toe fashion, then you can outrun a zombie. If you can walk in a brisk, heel-toe fashion and occasionally bring that up to a trot, then you can outrun a whole passel of zombies! You’ll see them coming a mile away and have time to make yourself a sandwich before they get there. As long as you manage to not get surrounded, you’ve got it made. And anyone who does let themselves get surrounded would probably have eventually succumbed to self-inflicted injuries while trying to recreate stunts they saw on “Jackass”, so really, no great loss.
And when the dust clears, you’ll be there, equipped and ready, the tip of the spear in the zombie cleanup effort. Using my patented process that incorporates carefully choreographed attraction techniques, bovine pheromone sprays, and the recorded cries of anguished children, you’ll herd the zombies into lightweight, collapsible and fully portable Z-Pens (TM and patent pending), where they can be collected for repurposing or dispatched quickly and humanely using the exclusive Zombo-Knock 3000. Set your own fees, work your own hours, and keep what you earn (minus my 65.5% commission, as part of our standard contract.)
At this point, the astute among you will be saying, “Repurposing? That sounds exciting and lucrative! Please tell me more!” By showing you how to repurpose the mobile dead, I’ll give you the skills and the equipment you’ll need to turn every zombie into a zombortunity!
The brand-new, post-zombie world is still going to have the same old power needs. After all, those iPads aren’t going to charge themselves! But how do you meet the electricity demand of a growing, yet truncated, population after zombies have trashed the grid and made snacks of the most knowledgable and slowest moving engineers? Enter Zombie Power! By harnessing your freshly captured zombies to the spokes of the ZP Elite Generator, you can use their natural locomotive tendencies to provide enough reliable, clean electricity to power a single-family home with enough left over for your electric fence and security lights! It’s green energy in every sense of the word, and as the exclusive regional distributor of the ZP Elite (available for three easy payments of $199.98), you’ll build your nest egg while becoming the savior of your chosen geographical area!
But the benefits of having captive zombies on hand don’t end there! By fitting your high-functioning zombie with the affordable PalZ Deluxe Safety Mask and Collar (guaranteed 78.4% effective!), he can be trained to do any number of simple, menial tasks while you relax in vigilant comfort. Tired of mowing the lawn? Let your zombie do it for you! Put an end to pesky door-to-door fundraisers. Get your dog walked in half the time! Finally get those gutters cleaned! I know that every family of means will want a zombie companion of their very own and, after attending my 4-hour seminar on zombie training and maintenance, you’ll be right there, dispensing expert advice as a high-paid Zombie Lifestyle Consultant.
Now that you’ve seen just a few of the financial opportunities the zombie apocalypse will bring, I know you’re going to want to get in on the ground floor of this amazing new industry. And now, thanks to the power of multi-level marketing, you can! For a limited time, for the low, low price of just $149.99, I’ll send you my Leadership Circle Starter Kit, which arms you with the basic information you’ll need to build up your sales network and turn tragedy into your own personal cash machine. Financial freedom is in your reach! Are you ready to grab hold and devour it?
While not preparing for the zombie apocalypse, Christopher Hawkins is the co-editor of the One Buck Horror Anthology series. Their latest offering, One Buck Zombies, features five tales of the walking dead from some of today’s most exciting new writers. It’s available in a variety of formats, and perfect for reading on the run!
You can get your copy now at:
For more information about the other volumes in the One Buck Horror series, visit www.onebuckhorror.com.